Why Can’t I Get My Sexual Needs Met Outside the Marriage?

photo portraying infidelity

When libidos don’t match up, it might seem to make practical sense for the higher-sex-drive person to look for sex outside the marriage. The fact that prostitution is considered “the oldest profession” attests to how often this solution is chosen.

Unfortunately, it rarely works, unless the arrangement was agreed upon before committing to a marriage-of-convenience. Even if cheaters don’t make their affairs known, adultery can cause marriages to deteriorate. They become, at best, roommate or business-partner situations. That can work for some couples and may have been the norm in other times and places, but today in America, it seldom flies.

No, Your High Sex Drive Does Not Make Adultery OK

Sex is a special kind of connection most of us don’t want our partners sharing with anyone else. The person going outside may promise the affair is only physical but it rarely stays that way. Emotions become part of the picture, and things get complicated. The spouse left at home can feel like “second choice” or that they are being used for money, connections, homemaking, breeding, as a cover for homosexuality, etc.

Alternatives to Adultery

Rather than looking elsewhere for intimacy, high-libido partners who want their marriages to survive need to pay more attention to their spouses. Carve out special moments for pleasure and flirting. It may feel awkward at first, but it is perfectly normal and a great idea to plan weekly “connecting time” It doesn’t have to mean intercourse, but it should include kissing, touching or other activities that build closeness.

Mismatched sex drives do not make adultery acceptable, and you can’t make your partner feel “in the mood” as often as you do, but you can engage in activities likely to create desire in them. With time set aside for it, desire has the space to emerge.