“I Never Thought My Marriage Would Become Sexless”

“I Never Thought My Marriage Would Become Sexless”. Many of my clients have expressed those very words to me in the privacy of my office.

Sex is great. Sex is the private and intimate connection which we can share monogamously with our chosen partner. Our soulmate. (Of course, there are others who share this with multiple partners, with all due respect.)

It is natural to spend less time having sex as you are together longer. At first, sex is a priority; then other things like jobs and children get in the way. Over time, the novelty wears off. We get to know each other better and deeper, but not necessarily through more sex. It can become routine.

What’s a “Normal” Amount of Sex?

Most couples have an intimate encounter about once a week. For many, less is fine, but if less is not fine with both of you, that can be a problem. When your special connection gets lost, the relationship can survive, but it often doesn’t. Anger, boredom, resentment, isolation, infidelity and other factors can lead to divorce. If we don’t take responsibility for our feelings, trust can erode, and love diminish as a result.

You Are Not Alone

Approximately 15-20% of couples do not engage in regular sexual contact. There can be many reasons why a relationship or marriage no longer includes physical connection. Life stressors such as money problems, a new baby, mental health issues, and weight gain or loss (that affect body image) are a few.

My clients are all over the map in their reasons. But whether you’ve been married for 6 months or 33 years, I’m here to help you find that spark back. The most important thing to remember is that both partners must fully commit to getting better and communicating their thoughts or concerns. Honesty is the lubrication we’re looking for. Pun intended.

The Faster You Seek Help, The Better Results

It can take a lot to begin the process. If you’re comfortable with going to a therapist who specializes in relationships, sexual dysfunction and married life, I’m glad you’re here! If your partner or spouse would feel weird to think about going to sex therapy, then you need a plan. It’s not easy to sit down and face the problem when it involves how much sex you’re not having anymore. A few tips for first timers:

  • Talk at the correct time and place (in private, at home or in a safe space, when neither of you is tired)
  • Write down talking points about how you’re feeling and how a sexless marriage affects you both
  • Make sure you get the point across and then remain patient as you hear your partner’s opinion
  • Make a list of sex therapists in the Charlotte area. Share it with your partner
  • Tell them how much you love them and how meaningful a therapy session can be for your future

The sooner you see a therapist, the better your chances of bringing sex back into your life. Don’t wait if the problem has become an issue between you. Call me today!