Many of my clients have expressed those very words to me in the privacy of my office.
Sex is great. Sex is the private and intimate connection we can share monogamously with our chosen partner, our soulmate. (Of course, there are others who share this with multiple partners, with all due respect.)
It is natural to spend less time having sex as you are together longer. At first, sex is a priority; then other things like jobs and children get in the way. Over time, the novelty wears off. We get to know each other better and deeper, but not necessarily through more sex. Physical intimacy can become routine or dwindle away altogether.
What’s a “Normal” Amount of Sex?
Most couples have an intimate encounter about once a week. For many, less is fine, but if less is not fine with both of you, that can be a problem.
When your special connection gets lost, the relationship can survive, but often doesn’t. These factors can creep in and lead to a “roommate situation,” infidelity, an unhappy marriage or divorce:
- and other emotions
Emotional isolation is actually the most common reason for extramarital affairs. If we don’t take responsibility for, and communicate our feelings with our partner, trust can erode, and love diminish as a result.
You Are Not Alone
Approximately 15-20% of couples do not engage in regular sexual contact. This is considered a “no-sex” marriage. There can be many reasons why a relationship or marriage no longer includes physical connection.
Life stressors such as:
- money problems,
- a new baby,
- physical or mental health issues and
- weight gain or loss (that affect body image)
are a few.
My clients are all over the map in their reasons. But whether you’ve been married for 6 months or 33 years, I’m here to help you get that spark back.
The most important thing to remember is that both partners must fully commit to getting better and communicating their thoughts or concerns. Honesty is the lubrication we’re looking for (pun intended).
The Faster You Seek Help, the Better Your Results
It can take a lot to begin the therapy process. If you’re both comfortable with going to a therapist who specializes in relationships, sexual dysfunction and married life, you’re already on the path to success.
If your partner or spouse would feel weird going to sex therapy, then you need a plan. It’s not easy to sit down and face the problem when it involves how much sex you’re not having anymore.
Here are few tips for first-timers before your first session:
- Talk at the correct time and place (in private, at home or in a safe space, when neither of you is tired)
- Write down talking points about how you’re feeling and how marriage without sex affects you both
- Make sure you get your point across and then remain patient as you hear your partner’s opinion
- Make a list of sex therapists in the Charlotte area. Share it with your partner
- Tell them how much you love them and how meaningful a therapy session can be for your future together
The sooner you see a therapist, the better your chances of bringing sex and intimacy back into your life.
Don’t wait if the problem has become a serious issue between you. Call me today!