Plan Ahead for Sex with Your Spouse

happy couple going through sex therapy

It may not seem romantic, but one of the best ways to make sure you and your spouse make time for intimate encounters is to put them on the calendar.

There are many benefits to this approach:

  1. Both people can plan ahead and take steps to get in the right frame of mind to be sexual
  2. Both people can prepare terms of hygiene, clean sheets, music, sexual aids, birth control, etc.
  3. Sex has a greater chance of happening. When you rely on spontaneity, intimacy often gets pushed aside for “more important” or “more urgent” matters.
  4. There is a greater chance of a successful encounter for both of you. You’ll be on the same page, so to speak, knowing you have agreed to give each other this time and attention, without distractions.

Make Scheduled Sex Easy to Succeed

It’s a fact: when something is on the calendar, it is more likely to happen (barring illness, injury or a family emergency, of course). To set yourselves up for success, make it easy:

  • Agree on the best time of the week for both of you (or fortnight or month; however frequently you agree to meet in the bedroom)
  • Start with a short time commitment. A lot can happen in a half an hour, and a half an hour of intimacy beats no intimacy every time. You can always linger if your schedules allow, or make the next “sex date” a little longer (on mutual agreement).
  • Agree there are no performance expectations. Just get together in a quiet, private space and pay attention to your partner. Communicate about what you want on each occasion. It doesn’t have to be intercourse or dual orgasms every time
  • If you must postpone, put a new date on the calendar immediately (unless the house is on fire or EMS is on its way)
  • Revisit your commitment ever so often. Is it working? Do you need to make tweaks? Talk about how you feel about having the regular commitment and what needs to change to satisfy both of you

Laugh at any Awkwardness Together

It may feel awkward at first to be so “calculating” about giving and receiving physical attention, but it is really just a way of showing your partner they are a top priority.

Love is a verb: a day-by-day decision to stay in the marriage and do what you can to nurture it. So is the willingness to touch your partner, communicate honestly and be emotionally available.

We make commitments for many of our partners’ needs: each agrees to covenants we finances, chores, child-rearing, etc., so why should it be more awkward to agree to meet our spouse’s physical and emotional needs? It is all part of the package of a solid relationship.

Make it a Habit

If you have a regular sex date, you avoid the extreme awkwardness of trying to initiate intimacy after a long dry spell. Getting together in the bedroom becomes as natural as watching a favorite show on Netflix or getting a pizza on Friday nights.

If one or both of you have issues regarding intimacy, frequent, brief encounters with clear communication about your needs and desires can reduce anxiety, fear, embarrassment, shame or guilt—because what you do often becomes more comfortable.

Get Help if it Isn’t Working

If you have tried for several weeks or months (depending on your agreed-upon frequency of sexual behaviors), and the sex date is not working for one or both of you, searching online for the best local sex therapists near you and find someone with a good reputation who can help.