How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex (and Get it)

If you’ve been in an intimate relationship for a year or more, chances are you’ve experienced being in the mood when your partner wasn’t—or vice versa. Mismatched libidos, at least sometimes, is one of the most common issues we see in sex therapy.

The Most Intimate Behavior: Talking

It’s funny how reluctant we can be to discuss our feelings about sex with our sexual partner. But sharing your wants and needs is actually a great way to show your spouse or significant other how much they care about you. You want them to feel successful in their intimate relations with you, so make it clear what you want. If done gently and respectfully, this will not hurt your partner’s feelings.

They may, in fact, be grateful that you were honest and open with them—a foolproof way to build intimacy.

Needs and Desires Change

In long-term relationships, needs and desires can change over time. If you are afraid or ashamed of discussing sex with the person you’re having sex with, maybe you have a bigger issue than one person wanting more sex than the other.

Ask your spouse what makes them feel sexy, what times of day they prefer to have sex, or how they would like you to initiate a sexual encounter. Even if you have to set a alarm in the morning or put sex dates on the calendar, you’re working toward a mutually satisfactory solution.


Relationships are full of compromises, so why should your sex life be any different? Failing to address your need for sex can breed resentment, one of the biggest marriage-killers out there.

If you communicate clearly in the bedroom, you may learn something valuable about your partner’s behavior as well. For example, you may find out an issue like a job crisis or family stress has been causing them to be temporarily exhausted or distracted.

Pick Your Moment

Be sure to broach the subject of sexual frequency when both of you are relaxed. A massage is relaxing, creates closeness, and might even put your partner in the mood for some long-awaited intimacy.

Start with the Positive

Start the discussion on a positive note by talking about what you like about your sex life. Then move on to what you would like to change—and ask what they want to change as well.

Use “I” statements to prevent your partner from feeling blamed. Rather than saying, ‘We never have sex,’ lead with why you feel having more time alone together would be beneficial for both of you.

When your interests are aligned, you’re more likely to get an outcome both of you are psyched about. Then you can build a routine based on a positive feedback loop.

Be Clear About What You Want

Be as specific as possible about what kind of sex you want and how often. Nothing is off-limits between consenting adults.

Find Your Win-Win

For both people to enjoy the sexual aspect of their relationship, the person asking for more intimacy needs to communicate in a spirit of empathy and cooperation.

Tell your partner how much you value feeling physically and emotionally close to them. Ask for their ideas regarding how to make sure you’re both getting your needs met.

Working through mismatched libidos is either win-win or lose-lose. It takes two to tango, as they say. Talking with a local sexual therapy professional in Charlotte such as Kim Ronk, either together as a couple or separately, may be a solution to your problem.